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Ex-Hostie - November 2006

Packers (of the suitcase kind)

November 29th 2006 14:08
I’m getting on a plane tomorrow. I’m looking forward to my mini-break (from doing nothing) to Melbourne, I only wish I didn’t have to fly on a germ-infested metal tube to get there. And worst of all, I have to pack. Even though I lived out of a suitcase for all those years, packing for trips was always a huge headache. Unfortunately, there’s no secret formula for successful packing. Everyone has their own system, and amongst hosties I have observed the following types of suitcase packers:
*The obsessive packer arranges, and then rearranges, the contents of their suitcase as early as possible before the flight, according to a carefully devised list. The need to be prepared for all social situations, weather conditions and ailments, places them in a constant state of anxiety.

*The last minute packer factors in luggage packing time when they set their wake-up alarm, so they can pack just before they have to leave home/ the hotel. I preferred to get the extra shut-eye.
*The forgetful packer without fail manages to leave at least one important item at home or in the hotel room. I’ve seen so many hosties go sightseeing in their work trousers or work shoes because of their forgetfulness- not a good look!
*The fashion parader packs a collection of outfits for every occasion (ie.sightseeing, shopping, dinner, clubbing) on a layover. The fashion parader completes each and every ensemble with matching accessories. That’s a lot of crap to bring on a work trip.
*The compartmentaliser puts a pile of shirts in a shopping bag, trousers in a different shopping bag, underwear in another shopping bag, and so on, to create the closest thing to a wardrobe on wheels- hostie style.

*The minimalist packer packs as little as possible because they just can’t be arsed lugging a heavy suitcase around. The days when porters carried everything for hosties are history.
*The 'Playstation' is the only essential item packer never leaves for a layover without his beloved 'Playstation', packed away in his suitcase with TLC. Sad really.

I would have to say I was a combination of the minimalist and obsessive packer. This isn’t as contradictory as it seems, because although I kept my travel belongings to a minimum, I also had a list of Always and Never packing rules, which I followed religiously;
*Always pack Dettol wipes. There are germs lurking around everywhere in a hotel room.

*Always pack makeup- a female hostie without make-up is frightening.

Always make sure the no. of undies you pack= the no. of days of your trip plus 1 back-up pair (in case you get stranded at a destination because of a technical problem with the plane, typhoon, terrorist threat at airport etc. What did you think they were for?)

Never pack any items that would make your face turn the colour of beetroot with embarrassment if ‘customs’ asks you to open your suitcase. Passengers tend to stickybeak if they see a hostie’s bag being inspected, and you do not want them to catch a glimpse of a pair of well-worn, disintegrating knickers as your suitcase is being ransacked by a customs officer who doesn’t know the meaning of discretion.


...Enough procrastination. I’d better get started on the dreaded task of packing. Will return to Orble when I get back (from my trip that is, not from packing).



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Killing boredom

November 27th 2006 09:47
Hosties are impossible to please (much like passengers). They complain when it’s too busy and the call bells are ringing non-stop, and they complain when there’s nothing to do and they are going insane from boredom. I preferred boredom to busyness! Here are some ways hosties kill boredom on flights…

*By far THE most popular way to past time is to bitch about the job and the company. I realise my blog is essentially dedicated to saying unpleasant things about the industry, but believe it or not, I was a very professional hostie (whinging only to friends, family, flatmates, and now to you dear strangers).

*Gossip about other people in the company e.g. “ Where are you from?..Oh Australia?..I suppose you know that Aussie girl going out with that old French pilot…yeah he’s like twice her age, divorced with kids and everything…and she’s really pretty and he’s like so old…”

*Stage an ‘inter-class war’. First and business class hosties bitch about how cattle class hosties have no respect for their seniors and have attitude. Cattle class hosties bitch about how snobby, lazy, bitter and twisted their premium class colleagues are.

*Catch up on celebrity gossip. Hosties raid the magazine racks in the premium cabins, searching for trashy mags which contain juicy gossip from Holly/Bollywood. If the cabin manager is really anal and won’t allow his/her crew to read magazines (as it looks unprofessional), crew will utilise the time not spent reading to bitch about their cabin manager instead.

*Play pranks on new hosties. In one of my first flights, a colleague asked me to bring a drink to seat ‘13A’. It turned out that row 13 doesn’t exist on the aircraft of my old airline. Another favourite joke is to get unsuspecting newbies to deliver a comb to a passenger- who is bald.

*Eat. Hosties munch on food regardless of whether they are hungry or not. The food doesn’t have to be appetising either. I am amazed and rather disgusted when I think of all the crap I ate purely out of boredom in my hostie years.

*Conduct passenger analysis i.e. Peruse the cabin for any attractive/ weird individuals and report to colleagues. Compare their selection of attention-worthy passengers with your own- discuss and have a giggle.


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TMI (Too Much Information)

November 25th 2006 01:56
There’s a hostie friend of mine who I hesitate to ask ‘how are you?’ for fear of the lengthy and over revealing answer. The response is never just “I’m fine”. If all I have to hear from her is “I’ve got a very snotty nose at the moment” that would be a lucky escape for me. But more often than not, this friend will launch into details about the colour and consistency of the mucous. This information will be followed by yet another equally descriptive statement about her bowel movements (or lack of).

Sometimes there’s such a thing as TMI (Too Much Information). And alongside hairdressers, cabbies and The British, hosties are very willing imparters of personal information.

Once, within minutes of starting a shift, a former colleague began doing over-exaggerated stretches in the galley, complaining about back pain. The hosties in the vicinity,including myself, responded by agreeing that indeed one of the hazards of the job was having constant back pain. “Oh this wasn’t from work” the hostie with the injured back was quick to assure us, “last night I had a sex marathon with a guy I met a bar. I can never have a boyfriend because I’m addicted to one night stands”, she added nonchalantly.

Male hosties too are guilty of sharing TMI. This incident of TMI started off as a normal conversation with a boy hostie, who I thought was a fairly decent human being (for a straight male hostie), about the flights we had in our upcoming rosters. He said he had a few flights to a particular Asian city. I commented I had been to that city once, which was enough because it was kind of boring. His reply was “I request that destination every roster because I love to go there, buy some beer, which is really cheap, which I take with me to watch strip shows”. I know ‘boys will be boys’ as the saying goes, but I really wish the hostie hadn’t divulged that piece of information.

In the hostie world, one doesn’t have to have established any kind of friendship with a colleague before providing a detailed account of their life story. Before the flight has even taken off, it is common for hosties to have already exchanged a variety of information regarding:
*past and present relationship issues
*yesterday’s argument with the boy/girlfriend
*frequency (or lack) of ‘action in the bedroom’
*financial woes
*menstrual cramps

I think TMI is unnecessary. Admittedly, it is entertaining at times, but usually I’m of the opinion that caring is NOT sharing.

What do you think? Do you feel a bit icky when someone tells you TMI about himself or herself?












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Baby on board

November 23rd 2006 02:33
After seeing the video of a live birth as part of first aid training at hostie school, I decided I would avoid pregnant passengers (and adopt children). Watching that ‘horror flick’ and becoming familiar with the delivery equipment available onboard, was not nearly sufficient training for assisting a lady in labour.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help expectant mothers. I watched uncomfortably as women with bulging bellies waddled up to their seats during boarding, torn between wanting to show my hostie’s hospitality and offer assistance with bags, while also wishing to run and hide in the galley. You see it is also the hostie’s responsibility to ask obviously pregnant ladies to produce a doctor’s certificate as evidence they are fit for travel. However, many faux pas have been committed when responsible hosties approached big-bellied women, who turned out to be carrying only big bellies and not child. I am very poor at backpedalling when I say the wrong thing, hence the reason for avoiding ladies I suspected of being pregnant


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The ‘Gum Chewer’ was quite possibly the most obnoxious cabin manager (the most senior hostie on a flight) I have ever worked with. He was constantly chewing gum, which of course is not allowed when in uniform in a public place. He wasn’t subtle about gum chewing; he chewed with the intensity, loudness and level of attractiveness, of a cow chewing cud. I wouldn’t have minded his annoying gum chewing habits so much, if it weren’t for the fact that he was also sleazy and a hypocrite- I really hate sleazebags and hypocrites. I had returned to the business class galley from having a rest in a spare seat at the back of the plane, and found the Gum Chewer attempting to chat up a hostie. “Next time you come back from a break, make sure you’re wearing your apron as that’s part of your uniform” he said to me, as he masticated the gum, not bothering to close his mouth. True, I should have been wearing my apron as per the uniform standard, but that is hardly an offence when compared with chewing gum the entire flight. It is not in my nature to want to snitch on colleagues, but I was so close to reporting that jerk in.

The ‘Feedback Form Nazi’ supervisor, as her name suggests, had an obsession with feedback forms. My old airline gets hosties to approach passengers, ask for their opinions on anything about the flight, which is then written down on a form and handed in to the customer service department. I found it embarrassing to interrupt passengers during the flight to ask them stupid questions. The Feedback Form Nazi kept pestering me about getting comments from passengers and it was obvious from my facial expression that I really didn’t want to/ have any intention of doing so. But I knew that returning a blank feedback form was more trouble than it was worth, so I made up some passenger names and comments like “Mr Smith, Seat 15A, said the crew were friendly and helpful”. At the end of the flight the FF Nazi collected the form and very seriously asked, “Did you really ask passengers for their comments?”, adding “You know, the company will call those people back to verify their comments and you’ll be in trouble if you made them up”. Oh puh-lease


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So you think your boss is a nightmare huh? In my hostie days I encountered some of the most diabolical seniors, who made serving drunk, abusive, vomiting passengers seem like a stroll in the park in comparison. I therefore challenge you to find a boss who deserves to be crowned with a set of devil’s horns and given a sash that reads ‘Boss from Hell’, more than the evil people I’m about to tell you about.

Up first is a supervisor I called ‘The Lipstick Nazi’. In my old airline’s grooming manual, it states that the standard colour of lipstick is red. Personally, I think red is a shocking colour and should only be worn by drag queens and prostitutes (some may say the line between a hostie and prostitute is pretty blurred, but I won’t go into that today). As wearing red lipstick was part of the uniform, I adhered to that rule. Apparently the shade of red I chose was “not red enough, and closer to pink” according to the Lipstick Nazi. She said, before the next flight (ie. return flight to our home base) I must purchase a new lipstick which was true red. The next day I applied my ‘back-up lipstick’, (kept in my suitcase in the event of encounters with any lipstick nazis in the company) which was as red as Santa’s outfit, yet the Lipstick Nazi was not satisfied. Feigning friendliness she said, “I appreciate you changing the colour of your lipstick but it’s still not red enough. I will write a report to your manager to ensure you are wearing the correct colour lipstick in the future


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Incredible onboard sightings

November 18th 2006 02:10
NOTE: My most recent post was written in a moment of temporary insanity. My comments about wanting to return to air waitressing was crazy talk and should be disregarded. I definitely do NOT want to go back to being a hostie, either in this life or the next.


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In between jobs panic attack

November 17th 2006 00:23
Writing my last post has got me contemplating my present situation of ‘being in between jobs’.

Initially when I quit the hostie gig, life was grand. Having the luxury to wake up around brunch time every day, observing workers rushing around like headless chooks on their lunch hour while I leisurely strolled around the shops, listening to my friends’ work related woes, all left me with that wonderful feeling called smugness


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Tips for wannabe hosties (Part 2)

November 16th 2006 02:41
The interview. Congratulations, you have scored an interview with an airline!
It is common for the first round interview to be a group interview. The recruiters will put you into a group alongside other hostie hopefuls, and give you several tasks to undertake as a team. The key word for you to remember here is participation. The recruiters are looking for people to contribute to the team effort and don’t really care what you say, unless it’s “I think your opinion is stupid” to a fellow interviewee. Don’t try and dominate the discussion. The airlines don’t want bossy know-it-alls, although you are likely to develop into a bossy know-it-all later on in your hostie career.

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Tips for wannabe hosties (Part 1)

November 14th 2006 03:26
Lately I’ve noticed quite a number of recruitment ads for flight attendants in the paper. If you are a wannabe hostie, follow these tips and you will certainly succeed. Just don’t blame me when you get the job and realise it was a huge mistake.

Resume Stating that you have customer service experience will almost guarantee you a place on the interview shortlist. Previous/current jobs listed on your resume that look particularly impressive and will prepare you for the realities of being a hostie include


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The life of a celebrity seems to involve forever travelling from one country to the next. The assumption that a hostie therefore gets to rub shoulders with, okay- serve chicken or beef to, the world’s rich and famous, is correct. My hostie friends have had the following ‘celebs’ on their flights and here is a summary of their opinions/ experiences:
-Anna Kournikova ; a gorgeous snob
-Michael Bolton ; friendly and flirtatious


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Ode to the passenger.

November 11th 2006 02:38
You board the plane and I greet you with my hostie’s smile,
You scowl and say “I’m hungry, when are you serving food?,
You’ve not been on the plane 2 minutes


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Ridiculous Requests (Part 2)

November 10th 2006 02:52
I guess after years of trolley dollying one gets accustomed to hearing unreasonable requests from passengers. However, sometimes requests can reach such high levels of absurdity, you cannot help but pull a face of incredulity and/or roll your eyes, fully aware you are breaking the rules of ‘hostie etiquette’.

One day my hostie flatmate came home from work shaking her head in disbelief and gnashing her teeth in infuriation. On that day’s flight, a business class lady behaving as if she was royalty, called my flatmate over in a state of anxiety. According to the lady, the music from a fellow passenger’s ipod was “too loud”, causing her much distress, and would my flatmate “ask him to turn the volume down”. The young man listening to his ipod at what would be considered an acceptable volume, was sitting on the opposite side of the cabin. My flatmate nodded her head in comprehension and went about doing more important duties


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Ridiculous Requests (Part 1)

November 8th 2006 02:45
On a normal day at work the hostie will be bombarded with ridiculous requests. The majority of these originate from first and business class passengers. I suppose, since they are paying three to five times as much as people in cattle class, they think that gives them the privilege to ask for anything and everything.

In business class, it isn’t unusual for passengers to urgently summon hosties, merely to ask for a magazine. On my old airline the magazines racks are located at the front and back of the business class cabin. That means a passenger only has to walk, at most, a few metres in order to obtain a magazine. Even if the selection of magazines is directly in front or behind them, irritating passengers still ask hosties to fetch them a copy of ‘OK’ or ‘Time’. GRRRRRR


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Tea, Coffee or Me?

November 6th 2006 02:33
My grandmother enjoys pointing out that former Australian PM Paul Keating met his wife Anita, while she was a flight attendant, and he a passenger on her flight. A non-hostie friend likes to remind me that her aunt, a former hostie, found her future husband on a flight. Even when I was at the hair salon the other week, the hairdresser asked me if I ‘had ever met any handsome businessmen during my flying career?’

These statistics and questions in favour of hosties meeting “prince charming” while at work make me feel like a big fat failure. For I only ever seemed to be fending off the advances of one type of male passenger, that who would fall into the category of “loser


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Air Rage (Part 2)

November 4th 2006 01:31
Passengers are not the only people on a plane that have anger management issues. Hosties can be very angry people too, only they kind of have to keep their anger on a leash- it’s part of the job. But I say bravo! to the hostie who retorted “what did your last slave die of?!” to a passenger who demanded the hostie carry her many bags of luggage. This hostie got told off by a supervisor and was not allowed to operate on the flight because of her ‘attitude problem’. Ideally all airlines would have an ‘angry aircrew anonymous” hotline to help victims of passengers' abuse.

Yet in amongst a crowd of irritable air travellers, there are those who don’t get fazed by anything. For instance, there was a lovely elderly calligrapher onboard who presented each hostie a note with their name written in beautiful calligraphy. I repaid his kindness by running over his foot with a meal cart. In response to my profuse apologies he simply uttered “I’m fine”, although the look of pain on his face revealed otherwise


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Air Rage (Part 1)

November 3rd 2006 04:48
There are many angry travellers on planes. Their rage typically begins to brew at the check-in counter where staff refuse to let them check in a bag the size of a small car. Add a confined space and alcohol to the equation, and any normally civilised individual is in danger of becoming batty.

Throughout my years of hosting, I have helped to prevent perhaps hundreds of minor to major onboard international incidents. My friends think I should consider a career in diplomatic affairs


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*There is a defibrillator onboard a plane. It doesn’t deliver electric currents as powerful as those you see on ‘ER’, probably because hosties are trained to use them. Still, many passengers have been brought back to life thanks to the onboard defib’.

*Hosties are also trained to deliver babies. Although there is a delivery kit available onboard for such an event, I wouldn’t recommend women give birth onboard. Training consisted of watching a video of a live birth which traumatised many hosties, who swore they would keep their distance from pregnant passengers


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Prince of the skies?...I think not.

November 1st 2006 01:26
Pilots. I too used to look upon them with admiration as they strode through airports, gleaming with charm, intelligence and authority. I think my disillusion was a result of watching too many movies where the pilot was the prince of the skies.In real life they are a breed of arrogant twerps.

Pilots are neither charming nor handsome. Most of them have beer guts, receding hairlines and pasty skin (which alternates with lobster-like skin after visits to tropical destinations). I avoided visiting them in the cockpit whenever possible, because I feared I would be bored to tears from listening to a pilot's favourite topic of conversation- themselves


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