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Ex-Hostie - October 2006

A typical hostie

October 30th 2006 00:06
Every hostie is a drama queen. She announces to the world she has broken a nail, and won’t shut up about it until she receives an outpouring of sympathy from others. Male hosties are drama queens too- may I emphasise the word queen.

Hosties are shopaholics. On some layovers hosties buy additional suitcases to carry the huge amount of junk they’ve managed to accumulate in just a couple of hours of wandering around markets in Asia. Most of what they buy are dust collectors which get shoved into a spare cupboard at home.

Hosties are alcoholics. Drinking until the point of inebriation is a popular way to spend a layover in any foreign country. Turning up for work with a hangover is not unusual. My old airline recently introduced random urine testing for alcohol and drugs. That is extreme. I think a bit of alcohol in the system probably enhances work performance.


Hosties are stingy. Some pack meals to eat in their hotel room on layovers. Others are only willing to part with several dollars for dinner at McDonalds or TGI Fridays. When you have the opportunity to sample exotic culinary delights from around the globe, why would you bother with a crusty burger at Maccas?? These same hosties who are tight arses when it comes to food have no problem with spending $2000 on a Prada handbag though.

It saddens me to say, but hosties are a phony bunch. I guess it has something to do with being in the service industry which follows the creed ‘the customer is always right’. Even when being verbally abused by passengers, a hostie has to maintain a polite manner and show empathy. When she returns to the galley she will release a torrent of expletives in order to vent her anger.

Having to smile all day long can truly make a hostie go loopy. The hostie’s grin can become a permanent fixture on your face without you realising it. I recall going sightseeing after flights, still wearing a ridiculous smile on my face, which was always met with strange looks from the locals.


Hosties are bitches. Working on a flight where all hosties get along is a rare thing. Backstabbing comes naturally to the hostie. Screaming matches are common.Hosties can become best friends and end up sworn enemies within the space of an 8 hour flight from Melbourne to Singapore.

Young hosties are usually enthusiastic because they’re relatively new to the job and are still naïve. In most cases new hosties actually want to help passengers.

Old hosties are bitter and twisted. They hate the job but are too lazy to change their lives. Their hostie smiles are fading and passengers are more likely receive scowls when asking for assistance.

What is the public perception of hosties?










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-Don’t watch scary movies about plane crashes or hijackings. I once watched a documentary about aviation accidents on the Discovery Channel before work and was stressed out for the whole flight. Even the sound of a call bell made me jump.

-Don’t drink copious amounts of alcohol. The body absorbs alcohol much quicker in high altitudes and it is easy to become intoxicated. It’s not much fun when other passengers and hosties are giving you death stares because you’re disturbing them with your shouting and staggering. And puking in your seat isn’t pleasant for you, nor will it make you popular with anyone else.

-Don’t buy duty free onboard. It’s not necessarily cheaper than at the airport. Also, you are probably suffering from hypoxia (loss of oxygen to the brain- due to being in high altitude) at the time and your purchases are likely to be of questionable taste. There are some very ugly pieces of jewelry in the duty free catalogue.

-Don’t wear your Sunday’s best on a plane in the hope of getting upgraded to business or first class. The chance of that happening is extremely slim. Stick to wearing comfy trackie daks and flip-flops in cattle class.

-Don’t press the call bell continuously unless you have been incapacitated. You are going to seriously test the patience of the hosties who may rinse their fingers in your cup of tea if you become too pesky. Instead, get off your lazy arse and walk to the galley to ask for something if you need it that desperately.

-If you insist on using the call bell, Don't expect the hostie to come back immediately and if s/he does, don't expect you will get what you asked for. After you have asked for a glass of water, another passenger will ask for a snack that doesn't contain nuts, the passenger after that will ask for 7up without ice but with a slice of lemon, the one after that will want a coffee with 3 sugars but only a drop of milk, and your request will have long been forgotten.

-Don’t even think about becoming a member of the ‘mile-high club’. There’s nothing remotely romantic about a germ-infested plane lavatory. And you will have to walk past a group of sniggering hosties waiting outside the lavatory when you attempt to make an inconspicuous exit.

Travellers or hosties out there, anything else you think should be added to the list?














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“Have we landed yet?” – from a passenger who didn’t notice that a few minutes had already passed since the plane touched ground, and was taxiing to the parking bay.

“This diabetic meal is diabolical”- from a passenger dissatisfied with his specially ordered meal.

“Does this chicken contain bird flu?”- from passengers questioning the health of the dead chicken on their plate.

“Do you have hamburgers for my kids? They don’t eat the food you’re serving”- from a stupid parent.

“This is the worst airline I’ve travelled on. I’m never flying with you again!”- from passengers on every 2nd flight. Care factor = zero!

“I have a really bad headache. I need to stay here”- from a passenger who tried to sneak up to business class. Nice try buddy!

“No offence, but aren’t you too short to be a stewardess?”- from a passenger who was curious as to how I could qualify as a hostie given my short stature. How rude!

“If I don’t make my connecting flight, it will be your fault”- from a passenger who complained about the delay in take-off which was due to poor weather conditions.

“Can you make that child shut up?”- from passengers on any flight where there are kids.

“Can I have a quick look in the cockpit?”- from a passenger, mid-flight, post 9/11.

“Could I please get a blindfold”- from a passenger who wanted eyeshades…or maybe he wanted handcuffs too!

“Do you want to work as my maid?”- from a very old passenger who I hope asked that question because he thought I would make a good personal carer.

“Is this flight going to Singapore?”- from a passenger, a few hours into the flight to Singapore. Bit too late to ask that isn’t it?

“I don’t mind if your boyfriend joins us for lunch”- from a passenger who just wouldn’t get the hint that I found him repulsive and definitely did not want to have lunch with him.

“Have you been to the fish market before? I’d like to take you there for lunch”- from a passenger to a fellow hostie.








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Eau de Aircraft (Part 2)

October 24th 2006 04:39
Being in high altitude makes the body a very gaseous entity. This fact, combined with the consumption of dodgy food and carbonated drinks, makes passengers and hosties prone to releasing bodily gas- occasionally we have to ‘let one rip’ (politely termed as ‘flatus’ in the hostie’s manual). Farting is an inevitable part of the flying experience, whether you or another person is the culprit.

An ex-colleague of mine gleefully releases gas in the presence of passengers, especially those who have caused him some grief. Because hosties are never allowed to slap passengers in the face, it is his way of taking revenge on irritating people who have the audacity to press the call bell for the 10th time in 2 minutes


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Eau de Aircraft (Part 1)

October 22nd 2006 04:24
While I’m on the subject of germs, I thought I should write about its close cousin- the pungent smells on an aeroplane, a.k.a ‘eau de aircraft’.

In my old hostie manual, there was a very boring but extremely important chapter dedicated to standards of personal hygiene. While it seems bloody obvious that one should shower and use deodorant before presenting themselves to the public, I learnt that people really need to be told these basic rules. Generally hosties are quite good about making sure they smell nice at work, although I’ve had the unfortunate experience of working with a few stinkers


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A Gigantic Germ (Part 2)

October 18th 2006 02:02
Everyone knows how unappetising food is on planes. It looks and tastes like it should belong in a lavatory rather than on your meal tray. But never mind all that. Plane food is a haven for germs. How do you test whether food is hot enough when you’re cooking at home? Poke your finger in it perhaps? If the foil cover on your beef tenderloins and roast vegetables appears as though it has been peeled open and then resealed, chances are, your meal has been used by hosties for the finger poke temperature test.

Worse, I have seen hosties create a “new” dish with other passengers’ leftovers, to appease an irate passenger demanding his original meal choice. I played no part in this despicable act, but shamefully I confess to serving bread rolls which have bounced across the aircraft floor as I yanked meal trays out of a cart. Surprisingly, my retrieval of bouncing bread rolls had always escaped the attention of passengers. Stealth is a dubious talent of the hostie


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A Gigantic Germ (Part 1)

October 17th 2006 01:49
The commercial aircraft is a gigantic germ. Although my days of sky waitressing are well and truly over (phew!) I am still traumatised by some really gross things I witnessed onboard. If you are a regular traveller, or plan to travel within the next 12 months on an aeroplane, I’d suggest you read no further, unless you harbour a sick pleasure in being surrounded by bacteria.

Let’s begin with the hot towels hosties hand out after boarding. Picture yourself going for a flight. You wait in the horrendously long queue upon arrival to the airport, argue with check-in staff about baggage and seating issues, and then race to get that last minute purchase at duty free. Seemingly against all you odds, you manage to board the aircraft and happily accept the hot towel the hostie presents you with a welcoming smile. While only minutes ago you were flustered, you press the steaming towel to your face and it instantly brings about a state of relaxation and calm


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Bimbos and Himbos?

October 12th 2006 01:48
In my hostie days, people with normal jobs used to tell me they envied what I did for a living. A friend still curses the fact that she is the offspring of very short parents and can’t even reach overhead stowage compartments on tiptoes, therefore having no chance of fulfilling her childhood dream of becoming a hostie.

Why is it then, that hosties are on the receiving end of some extremely atrocious behaviour? It is not uncommon for passengers to hurl expletives at hosties because they didn’t get a window seat or because they had to wait more than a minute to get a drink


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Hostie's hell

October 11th 2006 04:46
I've never written a blog before. In fact, it's been some time since I've had to use my brain. You see, until quite recently I was a flight attendant, also known as a stewardess, cabin crew, trolley dolly, air hostess and air b*tch. Personally, I prefer to say I am an ex-hostie.
Where should I start with stories of horrendous flights, hideous passengers and equally as hideous fellow hosties? I won't deny the fact that one of my favourite pastimes is complaining, actually I think being an incessant whinger is a prerequisite to becoming a hostie.
Next time you have the unfortunate experience of being stuck in a huge inescapable metal tube (ie aeroplane) contemplating everything from the DVT overtaking your body to the meaning of life because you're so bored and the hosties still haven't managed to repair the TV system, take a walk to the galley (kitchen) and listen in on the hosties. You'll hear them whining about the most trivial aspects of their life and work. Meanwhile they are amongst passengers who are going overseas to volunteer as peacekeepers, and others who are travelling to receive lifesaving medical treatment


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